Recipes

Two-Noods and Three-Meat Balls

Two-Noods and Three-Meat Balls

Couverts6
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

Instructions

  • First make the pomodoro sauce: In a medium Dutch oven, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat.
  • Add the onion and garlic and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the red pepper flakes and tomato paste and cook for 30 seconds.
  • Tie the oregano and thyme sprigs with butcher’s twine and add the herb bundle to the pot with the tomatoes.
  • Season with salt and black pepper.
  • Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to maintain a simmer and cook for 20 minutes.
  • Meanwhile, make the ricotta meatballs: Heat a small nonstick sauté pan over medium-high heat.
  • Add the olive oil, onion, and garlic and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes.
  • Remove from the heat and let cool.
  • In a large bowl, combine the ground beef, veal, and pork, the ricotta, Parmesan, nutmeg, panko, egg, parsley, and cooled onion mixture.
  • Season with salt and pepper.
  • Be sure not to overmix.
  • Fry off a small portion of the meat mixture to taste for seasoning.
  • Using an ice cream scoop, scoop about 20 meatballs onto a baking sheet.
  • Add the meatballs to the simmering pomodoro sauce, cover, and cook for 20 minutes, until cooked through.
  • Remove the meatballs from the sauce and keep warm.
  • Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil.
  • Cook the spaghetti until al dente according to package directions.
  • Drain.
  • Meanwhile, add the zucchini noodles to the pomodoro sauce and cook until al dente, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the cooked spaghetti to the sauce and mix to combine.
  • Serve the spaghetti and zucchini noodles topped with the meatballs.
  • Garnish with Parmesan and basil.

Notes & Wine Advice

JUST THE TIPS
If you can’t find zucchini noodles at the store, spiralize 1 large zucchini before you make the meatballs and set aside.
You don’t have to mix spaghetti with zucchini noodles. This is just a clever way to sneak in vegetables, since the two ingredients have similar textures.
If you’d prefer to bake your meatballs, put them on baking sheets lined with parchment paper and bake in a preheated 400ºF oven for about 20 minutes, until golden brown and cooked through.
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Course; Meat / Noodles

Totes About Tots Tuna Fish Casserole

Totes About Tots Tuna Fish Casserole

I’m not entirely sure what makes the tater tot so basic bitch, other than it being a cutesy finger food that you can easily dip in ketchup and toss into your mouth. There was a girl in my second-grade class who used to hoard her tots during lunch, only to pick at them with an ugly manicure and seemingly torture those of us who finished within thirty seconds of sitting down. This casserole is clearly not for her and, frankly, it’s not for anyone who can’t handle a spatula full of the grated potatoey goodness that we’ve come to accept as a meal. I dedicate this recipe to my second-grade self. You now live in a world with endless tater tots right at your beautiful fingertips. Enjoy!
Couverts6
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP

FOR THE CASSEROLE

  • 2 10-ounce boxes frozen chopped spinach, thawed and drained of excess water
  • 1 6.7-ounce jar tuna fillets in olive oil, drained
  • 3 ounces Colby Jack cheese grated (1 cup)
  • 1 28-ounce package frozen extra-crispy tater tots

Instructions

  • Preheat the oven to 425ºF.
  • First make the cream of mushroom soup: In a medium braiser, heat the olive oil and butter over medium-high heat until melted.
  • Add the mushrooms and cook until browned, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the leek and cook for 4 minutes, until translucent.
  • Add the garlic and thyme and cook for 1 minute, until fragrant.
  • Stir in the flour and allow the raw flour flavor to cook out, about 1 minute.
  • Add the vegetable broth slowly, stirring to combine.
  • Season with salt and pepper.
  • Bring to a simmer and cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.
  • Stir in the half-and-half and Marsala.
  • Taste and adjust the seasoning, if necessary.
  • Remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly.
  • Discard the thyme bundle.
  • Transfer to a blender and blend until smooth.
  • Pour the soup back into the braiser.
  • Make the casserole: Add the spinach to the soup and mix to combine, breaking up any large clumps of spinach.
  • Slightly break up the tuna fillets by hand and add to the top of the mushroom soup.
  • Top with the cheese and layer the tater tots in concentric circles around the top of the dish.
  • Bake for 35 minutes, until the tater tots are crispy and golden brown.
  • Remove from the oven and allow to cool for 10 minutes before serving.

Notes & Wine Advice

If you don’t have a braiser, feel free to use a 12-inch cast-iron pan.
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Course; Casserole / Fish

I’m So Artisanal! Cobb Mason Jar Salad with Homemade Ranch Dressing

I’m So Artisanal! Cobb Mason Jar Salad with Homemade Ranch Dressing

Literally every summer day in NYC before work: “Oh, I’m looking so cute today.” Upon arrival: “Does anyone have a paper bag I can cinch over my head?” On days like these when I have to rely strictly on personality to get by, I’m just happy to find anything adorable to get me through the day. And with a mason jar salad, that adorable thing just happens to be my desk-side lunch. Don’t expect to keep the Weight Watchers points down with this one, though. It’s piled high with a homemade ranch dressing that will have you wishing your waistline were hidden and not the famous valley.
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE HOMEMADE RANCH DRESSING

FOR THE SALADS

Instructions

  • Preheat the oven to 350ºF.
  • First make the homemade ranch dressing: In a medium bowl, combine the mayonnaise, sour cream, buttermilk, vinegar, onion powder, garlic, dill, chives, and parsley.
  • Season with salt and pepper.
  • Set aside.
  • Make the salads: Fill a medium bowl with lukewarm water, then add two generous pinches of salt and the chicken breasts.
  • Allow them to brine for 15 minutes.
  • Remove from the brine, rinse with cold water, and pat dry.
  • Place the chicken breasts on a baking sheet and brush with the olive oil.
  • Place the bacon on a second baking sheet and transfer both pans to the oven.
  • Bake until the internal temperature of the chicken reaches 165ºF and the bacon is crispy, 20 to 25 minutes.
  • Remove from the oven and allow to rest for 10 minutes.
  • Cut both the chicken and bacon into ½-inch cubes and set aside to cool.
  • Meanwhile, place the eggs in a medium saucepot, add water to cover, and bring to a boil.
  • When the water reaches a boil, reduce the heat to barely a simmer and cook for 8 minutes.
  • Prepare an ice bath in a large bowl.
  • Remove the pot from the heat and add the eggs to the ice bath; let sit for 5 minutes.
  • Remove the shells and chop the eggs.
  • To assemble, put 2 to 3 tablespoons of the dressing at the bottom of each of four 1-quart mason jar, depending on how much dressing you like on your salad.
  • Divide the ingredients evenly among the jars, layering the tomatoes, avocados, cucumbers, chicken, bacon, hard-boiled egg, blue cheese, and romaine and butter lettuces.
  • Seal the jars with their lids and refrigerate.
  • When ready to serve, shake the jar to coat the salad in the dressing, remove the lid, and enjoy.

Notes & Wine Advice

Short on time? You can always buy a precooked rotisserie chicken and hard-boiled eggs to cut down on the prep.
The avocado is layered at the bottom of the mason jar so that it can be coated in some of the dressing. If you are preparing in advance, you can always toss your avocado in a little lemon juice to prevent browning.
Widemouth mason jars work best for salads. You have a little bit more room at the top to reach all of the ingredients.
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Course; Fish / Salad

Anti–Shopping Mall Orange Chicken Stir-Fry

Anti–Shopping Mall Orange Chicken Stir-Fry on rustic wooden table

Anti–Shopping Mall Orange Chicken Stir-Fry

I can’t believe malls are still a thing. I mean, I know they’re not as big of a thing as they used to be (thank you, Internet), but who actually enjoys visiting public places with hordes of loud and obnoxious people dressed in what are essentially pajamas with tattered tennis shoes? As someone whose favorite thing in the world is when passengers get shushed in the quiet car, that person is not me. Though I’ll certainly make an exception for “loud and obnoxious” when it comes to orange chicken samples served aggressively on toothpicks. But when even this gets annoying and tiresome and simply not worth the trek to the burbs, here’s a recipe that anyone can make within the confines of their home.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

Instructions

  • In a medium bowl, whisk together the soy sauce, orange zest, orange juice, and light brown sugar.
  • In a small sauté pan over medium heat, combine the sesame oil, ginger, and garlic.
  • Cook until fragrant, 2 minutes.
  • Add the red pepper flakes, scallions, rice vinegar, and the soy sauce mixture and bring to a simmer.
  • In a small bowl, whisk together the water and cornstarch.
  • Pour the cornstarch mixture into the orange sauce, reduce the heat to low, and simmer until thickened, about 3 minutes.
  • Remove from the heat.
  • In a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat, heat 2 tablespoons of the olive oil.
  • Add the onion and the bell pepper.
  • Cook until the onion is translucent, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the broccoli and cook for 4 minutes, until tender.
  • Transfer the vegetables to a large bowl.
  • Season the chicken with salt and pepper.
  • Heat the remaining 2 tablespoons olive oil in the same skillet, then add the chicken.
  • Cook until the chicken is cooked through, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the snow peas, orange sauce, and cooked vegetables.
  • Simmer until the snow peas are tender, about 2 minutes.
  • Serve over rice, if desired, and garnish with toasted sesame seeds.

Notes & Wine Advice

Not a fan of chicken? You can substitute many different proteins for it, including beef, pork, or even tofu.
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Course; Chicken / Fruit

Not De-Pressed BLTini

Not De-Pressed BLTini

Bikinis, martinis, crostinis, and paninis. Why are there so many basic bitch staples that end in “ini”? The good thing is that you don’t have to say “eeny meeny miny moe” to any of the above—a basic bitch can have it all. If the only thing you’ve recently pressed is an acrylic nail from Sally’s, get excited for this pressed BLTini on sourdough bread with extra mayo and emphasis on the B. Because like that L’Oréal model with the annoyingly perfect and shiny hair in that commercial you just saw, you may just be worth it.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE PICKLED RED ONIONS

FOR THE ROASTED TOMATO JAM

FOR THE HERBED MAYONNAISE

FOR THE BLTINI

Instructions

  • First make the pickled red onions: In a medium saucepot, combine the distilled white vinegar, water, sugar, salt, mustard seeds, coriander seeds, peppercorns, garlic, red pepper flakes, and bay leaves.
  • Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer until the sugar and salt have dissolved.
  • Put the onions in a large glass bowl.
  • Pour the pickling liquid over the onions and let sit until cooled to room temperature.
  • Transfer into airtight containers and store in the refrigerator until ready to use, up to 1 month.
  • Next make the roasted tomato jam: Preheat the oven to 450ºF.
  • Line a baking sheet with a silicone baking mat.
  • Cut the tomatoes in half lengthwise and remove the core.
  • Drizzle with the olive oil and season with salt and pepper.
  • Place the tomatoes cut-side down on the prepared baking sheet and roast for about 25 minutes, until they are very soft, have some color to them, and have cooked down.
  • Remove from the oven and let cool, then discard the tomato skins.
  • Reduce the oven temperature to 350°F.
  • Meanwhile, in a straight-sided medium skillet over medium-high heat, melt the butter.
  • Add the onion and garlic and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the roasted tomatoes, light brown sugar, and red pepper flakes.
  • Break up the tomatoes with a wooden spoon until they have a slightly chunky consistency.
  • Simmer the tomatoes until they have achieved a jam-like texture, about 20 minutes.
  • Add the sherry vinegar and season with salt and black pepper.
  • Remove from the heat and let cool completely.
  • Meanwhile, make the herbed mayonnaise: In a medium bowl, combine the mayonnaise, lemon juice, tarragon, parsley, and chives.
  • Season with salt and pepper.
  • Set aside.
  • Make the BLTini: Divide the bacon between two baking sheets and bake for 15 to 20 minutes, until crispy.
  • Remove from the oven and drain the bacon on paper towels.
  • Preheat a panini press.
  • In a medium bowl, toss the arugula with the olive oil and season with salt and pepper.
  • Set aside.
  • Spread the cut side of one half of the baguette with the tomato jam.
  • Add the bacon, overlapping as necessary, then the pickled red onions and arugula.
  • Spread the cut side of the other half of the baguette with the herbed mayonnaise and close the baguette.
  • Cut into 4 to 6 sandwiches and brush with the melted butter.
  • Cook the sandwiches in batches on the panini press until golden.
  • Serve.

Notes & Wine Advice

Extra tomato jam will last in an airtight container in the refrigerator for about 2 weeks.
If you don’t own a panini press, you can wrap your sandwiches in foil and grill for 3 minutes on each side. Just be sure to press down on them with a spatula as they cook.
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Course; Main Course

Study Buddy Broccoli-Cheddar Soup in a Bread Bowl

Study Buddy Broccoli-Cheddar Soup in a Bread Bowl

Project Cozy, commence! Surrender to the idea that even though it’s a Friday night, you’re just not going out. Sure, your hair is curled and your foundation is set, but it’s snowing (at least in your mind) and it’s best for you to change into pajamas, sit this one out, and write that memoir or depressing poetry you’ve been thinking about for months. To do this successfully, all you need is every basic bitch’s favorite “study food”: broccoli-cheddar soup in a carb-laden bread bowl. It’s about the same number of calories as those twelve vodka-soda-splash-of-cranberries you were planning to down anyway, but with far fewer sexual consequences. So slurp up and embrace some creative productivity. You may just make winter a little less awful.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

Instructions

  • In a large Dutch oven over medium-high heat, melt the butter.
  • Add the onion and garlic and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the celery and cook for 2 more minutes, until it begins to soften.
  • Add the flour and cook for 2 minutes.
  • Slowly whisk in the chicken stock to combine.
  • Add the half-and-half, milk, and nutmeg.
  • Season with salt and pepper and bring to a simmer.
  • Reduce the heat and cook, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until the soup thickens, about 10 minutes.
  • Add the broccoli and carrot and cook until the vegetables are tender, stirring occasionally, about 20 minutes.
  • Transfer 2 cups of the soup to a blender and puree until smooth.
  • Return the blended portion to the Dutch oven and stir to combine.
  • Add the cheese and stir until it melts.
  • Remove from the heat.
  • Taste and adjust the seasoning, if necessary.
  • To serve, ladle into bread bowls, if using, or soup bowls.

Notes & Wine Advice

LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN
Most of the time you can swap out fresh vegetables for frozen (defrosted, of course), but for this recipe I highly recommend using fresh broccoli to achieve the best results.
Individual bread bowls are a fun option for serving this soup. However, if you can’t find mini boules, you can always serve the soup in bowls with a nice piece of crusty bread on the side for dipping.
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Course; Cheese / Soup

Polar Vortex Chili

Polar Vortex Chili

I’ve avoided grocery store shopping before major snowstorms and found myself stuck only with the cat treats I’d accidentally ordered online because I’d mistaken them for jerky. Oops. When I’m smart enough to gather ingredients and actually prepare a dish in advance, my favorite hibernation recipe is chili. But a very specific type of chili, with chipotle powder and sweet potatoes. I love a smoky-and-sweet balance to offset the jar of cayenne that I’m inevitably going to drop into the slow cooker. This is, perhaps, the only food that can make offensively cold weather even temporarily acceptable, which is saying a lot, because this Florida boy hates cold weather more than being out past midnight.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

Instructions

  • In a medium Dutch oven over medium-high heat, heat the olive oil.
  • Add the red onion and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the garlic, red and yellow bell peppers, and sweet potato and cook until the peppers are softened, about 4 minutes.
  • Add the chipotle in adobo sauce, cumin, chili powder, cayenne, and paprika.
  • Season with salt and black pepper.
  • Stir to combine.
  • Add the tomatoes, beans, and broth.
  • Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to maintain a simmer, cover, and cook for 30 minutes, until the sweet potato is tender.
  • Add the lime juice, taste, and adjust the seasonings to your liking.
  • Serve with your desired toppings.
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Course; Main Course

Bully-Proof Bacon-Wrapped Mini Meat Loaves

Bully-Proof Bacon-Wrapped Mini Meat Loaves

Yes, bacon is still a thing. It’s like how I have twenty-two shows I want to stream but find myself watching The Lion King for the three hundredth time because I know it will always deliver. Bacon is The Lion King—it never fails us, especially when used to wrap things that would otherwise be boring or even repulsive. In this case, it’s meat loaf, because meat on meat can mean only good things, and greasy pork will elevate anything, even if that anything was served during lunch in the middle school cafeteria during prime bullying hour. Sure, I may be scarred from the chants of mean kids who grew up to live in their parents’ basements, but I always had meat loaf on my side. And now I have a bacon-wrapped meat loaf on my side that childhood bullies can read about from their parents’ basements. Ah, the circle of life.
Couverts4 Mini–Meat Loaves
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

Instructions

  • Preheat the oven to 400ºF.
  • Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.
  • In a small bowl, whisk together ¼ cup of the ketchup, the light brown sugar, and the vinegar until blended.
  • Set aside.
  • Arrange the bacon slices on one of the prepared baking sheets in a single layer, leaving space between them.
  • Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, until the edges are just slightly crisp but the bacon is still flexible.
  • Remove from the oven and set aside; keep the oven on.
  • In a large bowl, combine the shallot, garlic, parsley, pecorino, panko, egg, 3 tablespoons ketchup, the Worcestershire sauce, ground sirloin, and ground chuck.
  • Mix to combine and season with salt and pepper.
  • Divide the mixture evenly into four 6-ounce portions and shape them into logs, 5 inches long by 2 inches wide.
  • Use your thumb to make a small well in the center of the logs and place 1 ounce of the cheese cubes in each well.
  • Form the meat mixture back into logs, completely enclosing the cheese.
  • Brush the meat loaves with the prepared glaze, wrap 3 slices of bacon around each log, and place on the second prepared baking sheet.
  • Bake for 20 to 25 minutes, until cooked through.
  • Remove from the oven and allow to rest for 15 minutes before serving.

Notes & Wine Advice

To ensure your meat loaf isn’t dry, you want to use a high-fat meat (something with at least 15% fat).
Make sure not to overmix your meat mixture; that will make it dry and dense.
Cook off a small portion of the meat mixture in a sauté pan and taste it to make sure the seasonings are to your liking.
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Course; Pork

Sexy Slaw That Just Happens to Be Served on Fish Tacos

Sexy Slaw That Just Happens to Be Served on Fish Tacos

Summer may be defined by watermelon, grilling, and sweating through the $25 kaftan you bought on Amazon, but for me, it’s all about fish tacos. And the slaw. That delightfully cold and crisp slaw that I crave in my dreams between all of the insomnia and Klonopin-induced REM cycles. Some things are meant to be together, unlike Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, and slaw was made to top a lightly battered fish that is fried to perfection. Please also pile on the cilantro, because I’m not a monster human who trashes such an herbal delicacy and blames it on genetics.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE CABBAGE SLAW

FOR THE FISH

FOR THE CHIPOTLE CREMA

Instructions

  • First make the cabbage slaw: In a medium bowl, toss together the cabbage, carrots, scallions, lime juice, sugar, and salt to taste.
  • Let sit until ready to serve.
  • Make the fish: Fill a large Dutch oven with about 3 inches of canola oil and heat the oil to 350ºF.
  • Line a baking sheet with a wire rack.
  • In a large bowl, combine 2½ cups of the flour, 1 teaspoon of the salt, the baking powder, chili powder, and Mexican beer.
  • Mix to form a batter.
  • In another bowl, combine the remaining 1½ cups flour and 1 teaspoon salt.
  • Season the halibut with salt and pepper.
  • Dredge the halibut pieces in the flour mixture and then dip in the batter to coat.
  • Add a few pieces at a time to the hot oil and cook until golden brown and cooked through, about 5 minutes.
  • Transfer to the prepared baking sheet and repeat with the remaining pieces of fish.
  • Meanwhile, make the chipotle crema: In a medium bowl, combine the mayonnaise, crema, lime juice, adobo sauce, and salt to taste.
  • Set aside.
  • To assemble, divide the fried fish among the tortillas.
  • Top with the slaw, pico de gallo, chipotle crema, and cilantro leaves.
  • Serve.

Notes & Wine Advice

Can’t find halibut? Any other flaky white fish will do; think flounder, snapper, mahi-mahi, grouper, or cod.
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Course; Fish / Taco’s