Recipes

Not De-Pressed BLTini

Not De-Pressed BLTini

Bikinis, martinis, crostinis, and paninis. Why are there so many basic bitch staples that end in “ini”? The good thing is that you don’t have to say “eeny meeny miny moe” to any of the above—a basic bitch can have it all. If the only thing you’ve recently pressed is an acrylic nail from Sally’s, get excited for this pressed BLTini on sourdough bread with extra mayo and emphasis on the B. Because like that L’Oréal model with the annoyingly perfect and shiny hair in that commercial you just saw, you may just be worth it.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE PICKLED RED ONIONS

FOR THE ROASTED TOMATO JAM

FOR THE HERBED MAYONNAISE

FOR THE BLTINI

Instructions

  • First make the pickled red onions: In a medium saucepot, combine the distilled white vinegar, water, sugar, salt, mustard seeds, coriander seeds, peppercorns, garlic, red pepper flakes, and bay leaves.
  • Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer until the sugar and salt have dissolved.
  • Put the onions in a large glass bowl.
  • Pour the pickling liquid over the onions and let sit until cooled to room temperature.
  • Transfer into airtight containers and store in the refrigerator until ready to use, up to 1 month.
  • Next make the roasted tomato jam: Preheat the oven to 450ºF.
  • Line a baking sheet with a silicone baking mat.
  • Cut the tomatoes in half lengthwise and remove the core.
  • Drizzle with the olive oil and season with salt and pepper.
  • Place the tomatoes cut-side down on the prepared baking sheet and roast for about 25 minutes, until they are very soft, have some color to them, and have cooked down.
  • Remove from the oven and let cool, then discard the tomato skins.
  • Reduce the oven temperature to 350°F.
  • Meanwhile, in a straight-sided medium skillet over medium-high heat, melt the butter.
  • Add the onion and garlic and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the roasted tomatoes, light brown sugar, and red pepper flakes.
  • Break up the tomatoes with a wooden spoon until they have a slightly chunky consistency.
  • Simmer the tomatoes until they have achieved a jam-like texture, about 20 minutes.
  • Add the sherry vinegar and season with salt and black pepper.
  • Remove from the heat and let cool completely.
  • Meanwhile, make the herbed mayonnaise: In a medium bowl, combine the mayonnaise, lemon juice, tarragon, parsley, and chives.
  • Season with salt and pepper.
  • Set aside.
  • Make the BLTini: Divide the bacon between two baking sheets and bake for 15 to 20 minutes, until crispy.
  • Remove from the oven and drain the bacon on paper towels.
  • Preheat a panini press.
  • In a medium bowl, toss the arugula with the olive oil and season with salt and pepper.
  • Set aside.
  • Spread the cut side of one half of the baguette with the tomato jam.
  • Add the bacon, overlapping as necessary, then the pickled red onions and arugula.
  • Spread the cut side of the other half of the baguette with the herbed mayonnaise and close the baguette.
  • Cut into 4 to 6 sandwiches and brush with the melted butter.
  • Cook the sandwiches in batches on the panini press until golden.
  • Serve.

Notes & Wine Advice

Extra tomato jam will last in an airtight container in the refrigerator for about 2 weeks.
If you don’t own a panini press, you can wrap your sandwiches in foil and grill for 3 minutes on each side. Just be sure to press down on them with a spatula as they cook.
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Course; Main Course

Study Buddy Broccoli-Cheddar Soup in a Bread Bowl

Study Buddy Broccoli-Cheddar Soup in a Bread Bowl

Project Cozy, commence! Surrender to the idea that even though it’s a Friday night, you’re just not going out. Sure, your hair is curled and your foundation is set, but it’s snowing (at least in your mind) and it’s best for you to change into pajamas, sit this one out, and write that memoir or depressing poetry you’ve been thinking about for months. To do this successfully, all you need is every basic bitch’s favorite “study food”: broccoli-cheddar soup in a carb-laden bread bowl. It’s about the same number of calories as those twelve vodka-soda-splash-of-cranberries you were planning to down anyway, but with far fewer sexual consequences. So slurp up and embrace some creative productivity. You may just make winter a little less awful.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

Instructions

  • In a large Dutch oven over medium-high heat, melt the butter.
  • Add the onion and garlic and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the celery and cook for 2 more minutes, until it begins to soften.
  • Add the flour and cook for 2 minutes.
  • Slowly whisk in the chicken stock to combine.
  • Add the half-and-half, milk, and nutmeg.
  • Season with salt and pepper and bring to a simmer.
  • Reduce the heat and cook, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until the soup thickens, about 10 minutes.
  • Add the broccoli and carrot and cook until the vegetables are tender, stirring occasionally, about 20 minutes.
  • Transfer 2 cups of the soup to a blender and puree until smooth.
  • Return the blended portion to the Dutch oven and stir to combine.
  • Add the cheese and stir until it melts.
  • Remove from the heat.
  • Taste and adjust the seasoning, if necessary.
  • To serve, ladle into bread bowls, if using, or soup bowls.

Notes & Wine Advice

LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN
Most of the time you can swap out fresh vegetables for frozen (defrosted, of course), but for this recipe I highly recommend using fresh broccoli to achieve the best results.
Individual bread bowls are a fun option for serving this soup. However, if you can’t find mini boules, you can always serve the soup in bowls with a nice piece of crusty bread on the side for dipping.
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Course; Cheese / Soup

Polar Vortex Chili

Polar Vortex Chili

I’ve avoided grocery store shopping before major snowstorms and found myself stuck only with the cat treats I’d accidentally ordered online because I’d mistaken them for jerky. Oops. When I’m smart enough to gather ingredients and actually prepare a dish in advance, my favorite hibernation recipe is chili. But a very specific type of chili, with chipotle powder and sweet potatoes. I love a smoky-and-sweet balance to offset the jar of cayenne that I’m inevitably going to drop into the slow cooker. This is, perhaps, the only food that can make offensively cold weather even temporarily acceptable, which is saying a lot, because this Florida boy hates cold weather more than being out past midnight.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

Instructions

  • In a medium Dutch oven over medium-high heat, heat the olive oil.
  • Add the red onion and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the garlic, red and yellow bell peppers, and sweet potato and cook until the peppers are softened, about 4 minutes.
  • Add the chipotle in adobo sauce, cumin, chili powder, cayenne, and paprika.
  • Season with salt and black pepper.
  • Stir to combine.
  • Add the tomatoes, beans, and broth.
  • Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to maintain a simmer, cover, and cook for 30 minutes, until the sweet potato is tender.
  • Add the lime juice, taste, and adjust the seasonings to your liking.
  • Serve with your desired toppings.
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Course; Main Course

Bully-Proof Bacon-Wrapped Mini Meat Loaves

Bully-Proof Bacon-Wrapped Mini Meat Loaves

Yes, bacon is still a thing. It’s like how I have twenty-two shows I want to stream but find myself watching The Lion King for the three hundredth time because I know it will always deliver. Bacon is The Lion King—it never fails us, especially when used to wrap things that would otherwise be boring or even repulsive. In this case, it’s meat loaf, because meat on meat can mean only good things, and greasy pork will elevate anything, even if that anything was served during lunch in the middle school cafeteria during prime bullying hour. Sure, I may be scarred from the chants of mean kids who grew up to live in their parents’ basements, but I always had meat loaf on my side. And now I have a bacon-wrapped meat loaf on my side that childhood bullies can read about from their parents’ basements. Ah, the circle of life.
Couverts4 Mini–Meat Loaves
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

Instructions

  • Preheat the oven to 400ºF.
  • Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.
  • In a small bowl, whisk together ¼ cup of the ketchup, the light brown sugar, and the vinegar until blended.
  • Set aside.
  • Arrange the bacon slices on one of the prepared baking sheets in a single layer, leaving space between them.
  • Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, until the edges are just slightly crisp but the bacon is still flexible.
  • Remove from the oven and set aside; keep the oven on.
  • In a large bowl, combine the shallot, garlic, parsley, pecorino, panko, egg, 3 tablespoons ketchup, the Worcestershire sauce, ground sirloin, and ground chuck.
  • Mix to combine and season with salt and pepper.
  • Divide the mixture evenly into four 6-ounce portions and shape them into logs, 5 inches long by 2 inches wide.
  • Use your thumb to make a small well in the center of the logs and place 1 ounce of the cheese cubes in each well.
  • Form the meat mixture back into logs, completely enclosing the cheese.
  • Brush the meat loaves with the prepared glaze, wrap 3 slices of bacon around each log, and place on the second prepared baking sheet.
  • Bake for 20 to 25 minutes, until cooked through.
  • Remove from the oven and allow to rest for 15 minutes before serving.

Notes & Wine Advice

To ensure your meat loaf isn’t dry, you want to use a high-fat meat (something with at least 15% fat).
Make sure not to overmix your meat mixture; that will make it dry and dense.
Cook off a small portion of the meat mixture in a sauté pan and taste it to make sure the seasonings are to your liking.
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Course; Pork

Sexy Slaw That Just Happens to Be Served on Fish Tacos

Sexy Slaw That Just Happens to Be Served on Fish Tacos

Summer may be defined by watermelon, grilling, and sweating through the $25 kaftan you bought on Amazon, but for me, it’s all about fish tacos. And the slaw. That delightfully cold and crisp slaw that I crave in my dreams between all of the insomnia and Klonopin-induced REM cycles. Some things are meant to be together, unlike Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, and slaw was made to top a lightly battered fish that is fried to perfection. Please also pile on the cilantro, because I’m not a monster human who trashes such an herbal delicacy and blames it on genetics.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE CABBAGE SLAW

FOR THE FISH

FOR THE CHIPOTLE CREMA

Instructions

  • First make the cabbage slaw: In a medium bowl, toss together the cabbage, carrots, scallions, lime juice, sugar, and salt to taste.
  • Let sit until ready to serve.
  • Make the fish: Fill a large Dutch oven with about 3 inches of canola oil and heat the oil to 350ºF.
  • Line a baking sheet with a wire rack.
  • In a large bowl, combine 2½ cups of the flour, 1 teaspoon of the salt, the baking powder, chili powder, and Mexican beer.
  • Mix to form a batter.
  • In another bowl, combine the remaining 1½ cups flour and 1 teaspoon salt.
  • Season the halibut with salt and pepper.
  • Dredge the halibut pieces in the flour mixture and then dip in the batter to coat.
  • Add a few pieces at a time to the hot oil and cook until golden brown and cooked through, about 5 minutes.
  • Transfer to the prepared baking sheet and repeat with the remaining pieces of fish.
  • Meanwhile, make the chipotle crema: In a medium bowl, combine the mayonnaise, crema, lime juice, adobo sauce, and salt to taste.
  • Set aside.
  • To assemble, divide the fried fish among the tortillas.
  • Top with the slaw, pico de gallo, chipotle crema, and cilantro leaves.
  • Serve.

Notes & Wine Advice

Can’t find halibut? Any other flaky white fish will do; think flounder, snapper, mahi-mahi, grouper, or cod.
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Course; Fish / Taco’s

Black Bean–Quinoa Burger

Black Bean–Quinoa Burger

Couverts6
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE BURGER

FOR THE SPECIAL SAUCE

Instructions

  • Preheat the oven to 400ºF.
  • Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
  • Put the black beans in a large bowl and, using a potato masher, mash until blended, with some larger pieces of beans remaining.
  • Set aside.
  • In a large sauté pan over medium-high heat, heat the olive oil.
  • Add the bell pepper and onion.
  • Sauté until softened, about 7 minutes.
  • Add the garlic and cook for 1 minute, until fragrant.
  • Add the cumin, chili powder, and paprika and cook for an additional minute.
  • Remove from the heat and transfer to the bowl with the black beans.
  • Add the Worcestershire sauce, quinoa, panko, and eggs and season with salt and black pepper.
  • Mix to combine.
  • Divide the bean mixture into six 6-ounce portions and form them into patties and place on the prepared baking sheet.
  • Bake until the outside is crispy, about 20 minutes, flipping halfway through.
  • During the last 5 minutes of cooking, add a cheese slice to the top of each patty.
  • Meanwhile, make the special sauce: Combine the mayonnaise, ketchup, sriracha, pickles, Worcestershire sauce, and salt and pepper to taste in a small bowl.
  • Set aside.
  • To serve, spread some special sauce on the bottom and top of each toasted bun.
  • Place a black bean patty on the bottom bun.
  • Add tomato slices and arugula.
  • Cap with the bun top and serve.

Notes & Wine Advice

THE MORE YOU GLOW
Just because there is no meat in these burgers doesn’t mean they aren’t filled with protein. Both black beans and quinoa are jam-packed with the stuff, helping to keep you full long after you finish this burger.
JUST THE TIPS
Use two lids from quart containers (lined with plastic wrap) to form the perfect burger!
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Course; Burgers / Meat substitutes / Vegetables
Diets; Vegetarian

I Like Big Buns and I Cannot Lie Burgers with Sweet Potato Fries

I Like Big Buns and I Cannot Lie Burgers with Sweet Potato Fries

If there was a job that required me to stay at home and play The Sims or RollerCoaster Tycoon all day, I’d quit my day job yesterday. I guess I could also live with being a taste tester for cheeseburgers and fries. Is there really anything better than the famous diner duo? No, there isn’t. And if you disagree, then you also probably like shoestring fries, which are by far the most disappointing side dish ever created. How the hell are you supposed to dip a pile of straggly potatoes into honey mustard? You’re not.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE SWEET POTATO FRIES

FOR THE BURGERS

Instructions

  • First make the sweet potato fries: Preheat the oven to 450ºF with two baking sheets inside.
  • In a large bowl, toss the sweet potato sticks with the avocado oil, cornstarch, and salt to taste.
  • Spread out evenly between the two preheated baking sheets.
  • Bake until golden brown and cooked through, about 30 minutes, flipping halfway through.
  • Remove from the oven and transfer to a platter.
  • Meanwhile, make the burgers: Heat a grill to medium-high or heat a grill pan over medium-high heat.
  • In a large bowl, combine the ground brisket, short rib, and sirloin.
  • Form it into four 6-ounce patties.
  • Season the burgers generously with salt and pepper.
  • Grill, uncovered, for 2 to 3 minutes.
  • Flip and top each burger with 2 slices of cheese, then cook for an additional 2 minutes, until the cheese has melted and the burgers are cooked to medium-rare.
  • Remove from the grill.
  • To serve, put a burger on the bottom of a toasted bun.
  • Stack caramelized onions, tomatoes, pickles, and lettuce on the burger.
  • Add mayonnaise and/or ketchup to the top bun, if desired, and close the burger.
  • Repeat with the remaining ingredients.
  • Serve with the sweet potato fries.

Notes & Wine Advice

Ask your butcher for the ground brisket, short rib, and sirloin. If you are having trouble sourcing the ground meats, you can always use 1½ pounds 80% lean ground beef.
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Course; Burgers / Cheese / Vegetables

It’s Raining Ramen

It’s Raining Ramen

There’s nothing I crave more on a rainy day or when I’m feeling sick than ramen. And since I’m sick literally every week, I crave ramen a lot. Whether it’s the heat, the salt and spice of the broth, the complexities of flavors, or the laundry list of ingredients, it always comes together to create a harmoniously decadent dish that temporarily cures any cold symptoms or irrational fears of contracting an STD. Miracle food? Yes, but don’t expect me not to slurp on this as if I just got massive lip injections and am sipping from a garden hose. It’s meant to be messy, especially for Americans who can’t master foreign utensils.
Couverts4
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE “CHASHU” BRAISED PORK BELLY

FOR THE CHICKEN DASHI

Instructions

  • Preheat the oven to 350ºF.
  • First make the “chashu” braised pork belly: Put the pork belly in a baking dish.
  • Sprinkle with the sugar and season with salt and pepper.
  • Pour the sake over the pork belly and roast for 2 hours, flipping halfway through, until the pork is tender and beginning to caramelize.
  • Remove from the oven and let the pork belly cool in its remaining braising liquid to room temperature.
  • Transfer to the refrigerator to chill overnight.
  • To make the chicken dashi: Combine the mirin, soy sauce, and sake in a small bowl.
  • Set aside.
  • In a large pot, combine the chicken stock, water, shiitake mushrooms, garlic, ginger, kombu, and bonito flakes.
  • Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to maintain a simmer and cook until the liquid has reduced by roughly 25 percent, about 1 hour.
  • Strain the broth and add the mirin mixture.
  • Keep warm until serving.
  • Bring a medium saucepot of water to a boil.
  • Add the eggs, reduce the heat to maintain a low simmer, and cook for 6 minutes, until soft-boiled.
  • Remove the eggs and run them under cold water.
  • Peel the eggs, slice in half, and set aside.
  • Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil.
  • Add the ramen noodles and stir, making sure they do not stick.
  • Cook for 1 minute.
  • Drain.
  • To serve, remove the pork belly from the fridge and thickly slice it.
  • Divide the noodles among four bowls and ladle in the chicken dashi.
  • Top with the braised pork belly, eggs, scallions (if using), chili-garlic sauce, and a lime wedge.
  • Tuck half of a sheet of nori along the side of the bowl and serve.

Notes & Wine Advice

Always cook your ramen noodles in boiling water just before serving. Avoid cooking in the broth, as this can result in gummy noodles. If you can’t find fresh noodles, you can substitute dried.
After braising, chilling the pork belly overnight in the refrigerator allows for easy slicing.
BASIC BASICS
Dashi is a clear broth made with kombu seaweed and bonito flakes.
Tare is “the soul of ramen,” a flavored soy sauce.
Chashu is braised pork belly.
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Course; Noodles
Cuisine; Japanese

A Deeply Personal Cauliflower Pizza

A Deeply Personal Cauliflower Pizza

Every time I’m pitched cauliflower-something by a publicist, an angel loses its wings. It’s like people who vape or get their septum pierced: We get it, it’s a thing, congratulations, but stop telling us about it every day of our lives. Cauliflower crust definitely makes personal pizzas healthier, but it’s similar to those times when I say I’m going on a five-mile jog and am back ten minutes later. The intentions are there, though the self-sabotage is real. So enjoy this pizza however you prefer. If you opt for the surprisingly delicious cauliflower crust below, that’s great! But just know that you’re probably going to top it with processed meat and cheese anyway. It’s pizza, and your diet should be reserved for less amazing things, like dandelion-green salads and cayenne–lemon juice elixirs.
Couverts1 (10-INCH) PIZZA
Deel op Facebook Print Recipe

Ingredients

FOR THE CAULIFLOWER CRUST

TOPPINGS

Instructions

  • Preheat the oven to 425ºF.
  • Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
  • First make your crust: Put the cauliflower rice in a microwave-safe large bowl and cover.
  • Microwave on high for 6 to 8 minutes, until tender.
  • Uncover and allow to cool slightly.
  • Once the cauliflower has cooled, transfer it to a kitchen towel and wring out the excess moisture.
  • Return it to the large bowl.
  • Add the Parmesan, mozzarella, oregano, basil, garlic powder, salt, and egg.
  • Mix to combine.
  • Transfer to the prepared baking sheet and press into a 10-inch circle.
  • Bake the crust for 15 minutes, until golden.
  • Remove from the oven and top with the tomato sauce and mozzarella.
  • Return the pizza to the oven and bake until the cheese is melted and bubbling, about 5 minutes.
  • Remove from the oven and, if desired, garnish with basil, red pepper flakes, and Parmesan.
  • Slice and serve.

Notes & Wine Advice

You can also cook your cauliflower rice in the oven. Spread it over a baking sheet and bake for 15 minutes until tender. Let it cool and then wring out any excess moisture.
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Course; Pizza / Vegetables
Diets; Vegetarian