Recipes

Pfft to Portion Control Pork Dumplings

Pfft to Portion Control Pork Dumplings

Boys on Grindr looking for “friends” are like me walking into a Chinese restaurant and looking for bok choy. Lies and deceit. When I want dumplings, I want them bad. And like fries and sushi, I sometimes think dumplings are one of those foods that can carve an endless pit in my stomach. If they’re cooked right and paired with a sweet-and-spicy sauce, I can keep going and going and the results are far from pretty. Have you ever seen a horse excitedly eat grain from a bucket? That horse is me, except with dumplings, so someone please put me out to pasture before my dreams of being on My 600 lb. Life (and becoming everyone else’s problem) turn into a reality.
Couverts55
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Ingredients

FOR THE PORK DUMPLINGS

FOR THE DIPPING SAUCE

Instructions

  • Make the pork dumplings: Place the cabbage in a bowl, sprinkle the salt evenly over it, and set aside for 15 minutes at room temperature.
  • Wring out the excess water from the cabbage.
  • In a large bowl, combine the cabbage, pork, ginger, garlic, sugar, scallions, cilantro, soy sauce, sesame oil, and eggs.
  • Season with salt and mix to combine.
  • Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.
  • Fill a small bowl with water and set it nearby.
  • On a clean work surface, lay out a few dumpling wrappers.
  • Add a scant 1 tablespoon of the filling to each wrapper.
  • Dip your finger in the water and dampen the edges of one wrapper.
  • Starting from the right side, begin to pleat your dumpling.
  • Pinch the corner to seal and then fold over a small flap, creating your first pleat; repeat as many or as few times as you’d like until you have sealed the dumpling.
  • Use extra water if necessary to make sure the dumpling is sealed.
  • Place the finished dumplings in rows on the prepared baking sheets.
  • Repeat with the remaining filling and wrappers.
  • In a large nonstick skillet over medium heat, heat 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil.
  • Add 8 to 10 dumplings to the pan at a time, making sure that they are not touching.
  • Cook until the bottoms being to turn golden brown.
  • Add a few tablespoons of water to the pan and cover with a lid.
  • Reduce the heat to low and allow the dumplings to cook through, 3 to 5 minutes.
  • Transfer to a platter.
  • Repeat with the remaining dumplings, adding another tablespoon of oil to the pan before each batch.
  • Make the dipping sauce: In a medium bowl, combine the rice vinegar, soy sauce, sugar, sesame oil, scallion, and sesame seeds.
  • Stir until the sugar dissolves.
  • Serve with the dumplings.

Notes & Wine Advice

After seasoning your pork mixture, cook off a tablespoon in a sauté pan and give it a taste to make sure it is seasoned properly before forming all of your dumplings.
Once your dumplings are formed, you can freeze them in an airtight container for up to 3 months. Frozen dumplings take about twice as long to cook as fresh dumplings (6 to 8 minutes).
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Course; Pork

I’m Not Boring, I’m Delicious! Potato Salad

I’m Not Boring, I’m Delicious! Potato Salad

All hail the mighty potato, perhaps my favorite carb in the universe. There is nothing a potato can do wrong, and it obviously shines in salad form, too. This particular iteration, heavy on flavor, light on mushiness, will have everyone saying, “Can I have the recipe?” and not, “I think she got this tablecloth from the JOANN Fabrics sale bin.” Some may argue that potato salad is boring and pointless—much like the time I liked every single one of Mariah Carey’s photos on Instagram—but this hearty side is an American staple, and to dislike it is simply unpatriotic. Skladany 2020: Make America Love Potato Salad Again.
Couverts8
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Ingredients

Instructions

  • Put the potatoes in a large pot and cover with water.
  • Season generously with salt.
  • Bring to a boil over high heat, then reduce the heat to maintain a simmer.
  • Cook until the potatoes are tender, 15 to 20 minutes.
  • Drain and set aside to cool.
  • In a small bowl, combine the mayonnaise, sour cream, buttermilk, Dijon mustard, and whole-grain mustard.
  • Season with salt and pepper.
  • Set aside.
  • Cut the cooled potatoes into bite-size pieces, quarters, or halves and transfer to a large bowl.
  • Add the celery, onion, dill, chives, and parsley.
  • Pour the dressing over the salad and toss to coat.
  • Taste and adjust the seasoning.
  • Cover and refrigerate for at least 4 hours.
  • Remove from the fridge and serve.
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Course; Salad

The Master Cheese Ball Char-CUTE!-erie Board

The Master Cheese Ball Char-CUTE!-erie Board

While I’ve always had a way with words, my artistic talents were quite… adorable, a term I frequently use in place of “tragic” or “awful.” But like any basic bitch, I’ve always excelled at crafting and organizing, and charcuterie boards are an excellent way to show off my creativity and obsessive-compulsive personality. Literally everything has a spot around a cheese ball, and the accompanying dips, spreads, pickled vegetables, and finger foods are completely customizable to your preferences. I also set out a bottle of hand sanitizer, because frankly, you don’t know where your friends’ hands have been and it’s not up to your taste buds to find out.
Couverts8
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Ingredients

Instructions

  • In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, combine the cream cheese, feta, Parmesan, garlic, and hot sauce and beat to combine.
  • Fold in the pimientos, pecans, and 1 tablespoon each of the dill, parsley, and chives.
  • Taste and season with salt.
  • Scrape the mixture onto a large piece of plastic wrap and form it into 1 large ball.
  • Refrigerate to set for at least 1 hour.
  • Spread the remaining 2 tablespoons of each herb over a baking sheet.
  • Roll the cheese ball in the herbs to coat, then transfer it to a serving plate.
  • Serve with your favorite crackers.

Notes & Wine Advice

LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN
In addition to the crackers, crudités are a great option to serve alongside.
JUST THE TIPS
Not interested in a single large cheese ball? You could also make 8 balls (2 ounces each) and serve them individually or as an addition to salads.
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Course; Cheese

Sassy Shi-shit-o Peppers with Spicy Aioli

Sassy Shi-shit-o Peppers with Spicy Aioli

I have an affinity for foods that are fun to say (such as jicama and bouillabaisse), which either makes me delightfully queer or a serious word nerd (both, probably). Shishito is on that list, perhaps because there is a vague profanity hidden in its name. But since one out of every ten to twenty of these peppers pack heat, you’ll only strip out the “shi” and “o” part of the time. Otherwise, these blistered bad boys make an ideal appetizer for anyone craving a little crunch, green, and salt. They’re also a great substitution for actual vegetables when you’re in a pinch and steamed broccoli just isn’t appealing for the 9,675th time.
Couverts4
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Ingredients

Instructions

  • First make the spicy aioli: In a medium bowl, combine the mayonnaise, sriracha sauce, soy sauce, lemon juice, garlic, and salt.
  • In a large cast-iron skillet, heat the avocado oil over medium-high heat.
  • Add the peppers in a single layer and char on both sides, 4 to 5 minutes.
  • Remove from the skillet and transfer to a serving dish.
  • Squeeze the juice from the lemon over the peppers and garnish with flaky salt.
  • Serve with the spicy aioli for dipping.

Notes & Wine Advice

THE MORE YOU GLOW
Avocado oil…
Is rich in healthy fats such as oleic acid, a monounsaturated omega-9 fatty acid that is also a main component of olive oil.
Has a high smoke point of approximately 520ºF, making it a good option for high-heat cooking.
Does not have a strong flavor profile. It’s a good neutral oil.
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Course; Sauce

Everything Pigs in a Fluffy Down Comforter

Everything Pigs in a Fluffy Down Comforter

One of my favorite anecdotes from my boss, Mary Gail Pezzimenti, is that she once slaved over an ultra-luxe and memorable dinner party for all of her friends, buying premium ingredients such as arctic char, filet mignon, and truffles. But at the end of the night, instead of pleading for the recipes to her expensive entrées, everyone asked how she made her pigs in a blanket. Insert crying-laughing emoji. Never underestimate the power of a crowd-pleaser, especially if served with gourmet dips and spreads that are just as easy to make or purchase as cocktail weiners wrapped in pastry dough. God bless America and God bless this everything variety with homemade bagel seasoning, caramelized onions, and all the money you won’t be spending on ingredients that are difficult to pronounce and even more difficult to find in a standard grocery store.
Couverts27 pigs in a blanket
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Ingredients

FOR THE CARAMELIZED ONIONS

FOR THE EVERYTHING BAGEL SEASONING

Instructions

  • First make the caramelized onions: In a large nonstick skillet, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat.
  • Add the onion and cook, stirring often, until tender, about 5 minutes.
  • Reduce the heat to medium-low and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onions are caramelized, about 40 minutes.
  • Season with salt and pepper and remove from the heat.
  • Set aside to cool.
  • Meanwhile, make the everything bagel seasoning: Combine the white sesame seeds, black sesame seeds, poppy seeds, garlic, onion, and salt in a small bowl.
  • (If not using immediately, store in an airtight container for up to 1 month. )
  • Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
  • On a lightly floured surface, roll out the puff pastry sheet to a 14-inch square.
  • Cut it into nine 4½-inch squares.
  • Brush the squares with 1 teaspoon of mustard each and top each with 1 tablespoon of the caramelized onions. (You can use any leftover onions for an omelet or to top a burger. )
  • Top each square with a frankfurter and roll the puff pastry around the frankfurter, sealing the bottom.
  • Brush the pastry with egg and sprinkle with the everything bagel seasoning.
  • Cut each pastry-wrapped frankfurter into thirds on a bias and place on the prepared baking sheet.
  • Freeze until firm, at least 1 hour (see tips).
  • Preheat the oven to 400ºF.
  • Transfer the pigs in a blanket to the oven and bake for 20 to 25 minutes, until golden brown and puffed.
  • Serve with the honey Dijon for dipping.

Notes & Wine Advice

These are great to make ahead. Freeze the pigs in a blanket on the sheet pan, wrapped in plastic wrap, then, once frozen, transfer to a zip-top bag and store in the freezer until you are ready to bake them, up to 2 months.
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Course; Snack

Life-Affirming Gluten-Free Cheese Quesadillas

Life-Affirming Gluten-Free Cheese Quesadillas

Sometimes you want cheese, plain and simple. And sometimes you want to wrap said cheese in bread and dip it into sauces or sour cream so that it shines beyond its natural, glorious state. My grandma says that if she’s not dead by ninety, she’ll become a heroin addict, and I’m kind of like, #same, but swap heroin for cheese quesadillas. So simple, so satisfying, so something I can see myself making in bulk after losing a backgammon tournament at the nursing home.
Couverts2
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Ingredients

FOR THE GLUTEN-FREE TORTILLAS

Instructions

  • First make the gluten-free tortillas: In a large bowl, whisk together the chickpea flour, tapioca flour, and salt until combined.
  • Stream in the water and whisk until there are no lumps.
  • Heat an 8-inch nonstick skillet over medium-high heat.
  • Pour a generous ⅓ cup of the batter into the pan and swirl as you would if you were making a crepe.
  • If necessary, spread the batter with a spatula to achieve an even layer all around the pan.
  • Cook for 1 to 2 minutes per side, until the tortilla is golden brown.
  • Remove from the heat and repeat with the remaining batter.
  • Grease the outside of 2 tortillas with ½ tablespoon of butter each.
  • On the unbuttered side of one of the tortillas, spread the cream cheese.
  • Top with the cheddar and Monterey Jack.
  • Sandwich with the remaining tortilla, butter-side out.
  • Place the quesadilla in a nonstick medium skillet over medium heat.
  • Cook for 4 minutes per side, until the cheese is melted and the tortillas are golden brown and crispy.
  • Remove from the skillet, cut into quarters, and serve with sour cream, guacamole, and salsa.

Notes & Wine Advice

If you don’t have time to make your own gluten-free tortillas, you can always buy some. There are many options on the market, including quinoa flour tortillas, almond flour tortillas, brown rice tortillas, and coconut flour tortillas.
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Course; Cheese
Cuisine; Mexican
Diets; Gluten-Free

Insta-Worthy Farmers’ Market Caprese Salad with Burrata

Insta-Worthy Farmers’ Market Caprese Salad with Burrata

Be it colorful cakes, J.Crew sweaters, or three shades of drugstore foundation, basic bitches love to layer (I am the exception, as noted on page 39). It only makes sense to layer food, too, and caprese—when done meticulously—is layering at its finest. But I have to preface this recipe by declaring that the best caprese salads come only from a trip to the farmers’ market. So if you’re not willing to make the trek to support your local farmers, then your basic bitch card will be revoked. A farmers’ market will gift you with everything you need at maximum freshness. You have no excuse, especially when you know the basket of veggies, herbs, and cheese will make a cute photo op after yoga class that will guarantee 100+ likes.
Couverts6 servings
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Ingredients

  • 4 to 6 heirloom tomatoes in a variety of colors sliced and wedged
  • 1 7- to 8-ounce ball or 2 (4-ounce) balls fresh burrata cheese
  • 1 cup fresh basil leaves
  • ¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil
  • 3 tablespoons good-quality balsamic vinegar such as Artigianale
  • Flaky sea salt
  • Fresh coarsely ground black pepper

Instructions

  • Arrange the tomatoes and burrata on a serving platter.
  • Break open the burrata using a knife.
  • Garnish with the basil leaves, drizzle with the olive oil and balsamic vinegar, and season with flaky salt and pepper.
  • Serve.
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Course; Salad

Highway to Hell Soft Pretzels

Highway to Hell Soft Pretzels

Every time I walk by an Auntie Anne’s without buying something, a small part of my soul escapes through my nose and dies. When I realized there was very little of my soul left, I decided it’d be best to concoct my own soft pretzel recipe and secure a spot in, well, purgatory. (There are some things that I’m going to have to explain.) I’m convinced, though, that if given the opportunity to bake God some of these soft pretzels (with spicy mustard, of course), He’ll certainly admit me to heaven. And if He doesn’t, then I’ll see the rest of you all in what I imagine to be a giant hot tub with lots of horns, pitchforks, and questionably fashionable Speedos emblazoned with flames.
Couverts8
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Ingredients

Instructions

  • In the bowl of a stand mixer, combine the warm water, salt, and sugar.
  • Sprinkle the yeast on top and let sit until foaming, about 5 minutes.
  • Add the melted butter and flour and, using the dough hook, mix on low speed.
  • Once blended, increase speed to medium until the dough pulls from the sides and comes together and forms a ball.
  • Transfer the dough to an oiled bowl and cover the bowl with plastic wrap.
  • Place in a warm spot to proof for 1 hour, or until the dough has doubled in size.
  • Preheat the oven to 425ºF.
  • Line two baking sheets with parchment paper and brush the parchment with oil.
  • Turn the dough out onto a well-oiled work surface.
  • Divide it into 8 equal pieces about 1½ inches thick and 8 inches long.
  • Roll one piece into a 22-inch-long rope.
  • Gather the ends of the rope and bring them together, creating a circle.
  • Twist the ends and pull them forward, pressing them against the base of the circle to form a pretzel shape.
  • Transfer to the prepared baking sheet and repeat with the remaining pieces of dough.
  • In a small bowl, mix the baking soda and water.
  • Bring 7½ cups water to a boil in a large pot and add the baking soda mixture.
  • Drop the pretzels into the water, one at a time, and boil for 30 seconds.
  • Remove from the water with a slotted spoon and place back on the prepared baking sheet.
  • Sprinkle with coarse sea salt.
  • Repeat with the remaining pretzels.
  • Transfer the baking sheets to the oven and bake the pretzels until golden brown, 12 to 15 minutes.
  • Remove from the oven and serve with mustard.
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Course; Snack

Diet-Ruining Mozzarella Sticks

Diet-Ruining Mozzarella Sticks

Me every Sunday: “I want to start a diet, but I also want to coat cheese in bread crumbs and fry it.” This weekly struggle has led to a perfect mozzarella stick recipe and a not-so-perfect duo of love handles. I volley between whether I prefer to be skinny or temporarily satiated, though cheese typically wins, and unsurprisingly so. Is there anyone in the world who can resist gooey, cheesy amazingness drenched in marinara sauce? If that anyone is you, then you need to reconsider your priorities. Denying yourself cheese is Stephanie Tanner levels of rude, and I’m simply not here for it.
Couverts18 pieces
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Ingredients

Instructions

  • Set a wire rack in a baking sheet and coat with nonstick spray.
  • Cut the mozzarella into ½ by 3-inch sticks (you should have about 18).
  • Set up a dredging station using three shallow dishes.
  • Put the flour in one and season with salt.
  • Put the eggs and cream in the second dish and whisk to combine.
  • In the final dish, combine the panko, garlic, onion, basil, parsley, and oregano and season with salt.
  • Dredge 1 piece of mozzarella in the flour, dip it in the egg mixture, and roll it in the panko mixture to coat all sides.
  • Dip the mozzarella stick back in the egg mixture, followed by the panko.
  • Transfer to the prepared rack.
  • Repeat with the remaining mozzarella.
  • Freeze the mozzarella sticks for at least 1 hour before frying.
  • In a large Dutch oven, heat the vegetable oil to 360ºF.
  • Remove the mozzarella sticks from the freezer and, working in batches of 4 or 5 at a time, fry the mozzarella sticks until golden brown, 2 to 3 minutes.
  • Transfer back to the wire rack, season lightly with salt, and repeat with the remaining mozzarella sticks.
  • Serve with the Pomodoro sauce.

Notes & Wine Advice

For this recipe, stay away from fresh mozzarella. It will not hold up as well as the processed favorite, Polly-O.
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Course; Cheese / Snack

Bro-tastic Baked Chicken Wings

Bro-tastic Baked Chicken Wings

I come from a huge football family, so you can imagine how thrilled my dad was when I asked for a Barbie after being potty trained and to be enrolled in gymnastics classes the year after that. In actuality, my dad is and has always been extremely supportive of me and my lack of football genetics, but one game-day commonality we share is a severe love for chicken wings. Seriously, I can morph into John Madden (with better clothes), talk pigskin, and root for the Steelers as long as there’s some sort of wing involved. I’ll even engage in stereotypically masculine activities, such as those god-awful bro-tastic handshakes or allowing my eyebrows to grow in—all for a delightfully spicy and crispy piece of chicken. But don’t get me started on the ranch vs. blue cheese dressing debate. I side with the latter in this food version of Sophie’s Choice.
Couverts4
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Ingredients

Instructions

  • Preheat the oven to 425ºF.
  • Line two rimmed baking sheets with foil.
  • In a small bowl, whisk together the cornstarch and water.
  • Set aside.
  • In a small saucepan over medium-high heat, combine the garlic, ginger, soy sauce, honey, lime juice, and red pepper flakes, if using.
  • Heat until the honey dissolves.
  • Whisk in the cornstarch mixture and heat until the glaze thickens, 2 to 3 minutes.
  • Remove from the heat.
  • In a large bowl, toss the chicken wings with the vegetable oil and season with salt and black pepper.
  • Divide the wings evenly between the two prepared baking sheets and bake for 40 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through, until crispy.
  • Spread the glaze evenly over the wings and bake for an additional 5 to 7 minutes, until the glaze is bubbling and caramelized.
  • Transfer to a serving platter, garnish with the scallions and sesame seeds, and serve.

Notes & Wine Advice

LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN
If you prefer a Buffalo chicken wing, simply bake the wings as written, toss in ¼ cup Buffalo sauce and 4 tablespoons melted unsalted butter, and serve!
JUST THE TIPS
If you have the time, season your chicken wings and let them sit overnight in the fridge, uncovered. Remove them from the fridge and let them come to room temperature before baking.
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Course; Chicken